Halo Abridged Evolved
by PrettyChief
Summary: It was funny, just never made it to video.
1. Chap 1: Pillar of Autumn a

**A/N: sorry about the messyness of this all. Still poking around here. Anyway, this was something I had planned to do but it kind of fell apart because my second party ditched me for who knows what. I still think the scripts funny though.**

Pillar of Autumn, Part A

KEYES: Cortana, shut up about you're porn. (speaking slowly)Did we lose them?

CORTANA: (Sarcasm)Yeah, totally captain crunch. Everyone's always interrupts my porn...

KEYES: We made a blind jump...how did they-

CORTANA: Beat our asses to it? The sperm ships have always shot faster then our tin boxes. It's a good thing they're not condoms or we'd be so screwed right now. Oh and for the tracking part, that's totally not my fault.

KEYES: I doubt that. We were running dark right?

CORTANA: Well we did claw open a giant hole into space. It's not like it would close behind us immediately. Space doesn't heal that fastly.

KEYES: Fastly?

CORTANA: (fast) shut up it's a word! Our fighters are cleaning up the small ones but we got a shit load of the really big ships. In other words, we're a rubber ducky in the duck pond at the zoo.

KEYES: Ew, think of all the bird feces. How long do we have?

CORTANA: Oh we should probably meet them in-

(Explosion outside)

CORTANA:-90 seconds

KEYES: That was a little late.

CORTANA: B-I-T-E me~!

KEYES: Well that's it then, bring the ship back to combat alert alpha. I want all American loving Americans to report to their stations.

CORTANA: You know that this ship has people of all nations in it right? That's why it's called the UNSC, you know, United Nations Space Corpse?

KEYES: Yes, the American United Nations Space Corpse of America. Didn't you realize that everyone has been speaking American? Even the Aliens! Because America is vastly superior to everyone else. And that's how the Americans forced all the nations together and it's how we're going to beat the aliens! Because Master Chief is American.

CORTANA: No he isn't! He's Eridanius! Ignoring you're blatant nationisim, should I wake him up? So he doesn't, you know, die frozen?

KEYES: Huh? Oh right.

* * *

LOUDSPEAKER:  
Attention all UNSC personnel. Please report to your stations so you are properly placed to get your ass fried by enemy plasma fire. Remember, you are only meat shields to protect those far more important then yourself. Such as Captain Keyes, Cortana, Sergeant Johnson, Foe Hammer, The Warthogs, The computers, And that Rock.  
Orbital Drop Shock Troopers are to be ready to be shot from atmosphere at highly dangerous and unpredictable angles at the unidentified object which we have no idea what does only to be most likely squashed on impact, shot by covenant, or eaten by some unknown alien life form we have yet to meet.  
Marines are to run around trying to find escape pods that are placed inconveniently around the ship. Most of you will die by oncoming Covenant troops, and the others will most likely be shot down in space.

SERGEANT: You heard the lady. Move like you're actually worth the bullets you waste!

SERGEANT: Men, today we got ourselves a true battle. The kind of battle that would sky rocket a video game into a popularity so large people can make money off of fan creations. Then something called Machinima will take over the net and there will be blood over who's nonsense is better then who's.  
But the bloodshed will never rival the blood we'll spill on this monumental day. We'll tear out their skulls from their spines. Then make ready-made sculptures out of them. And then we'll make their guts into jam. And make a pie with their skin as crust and-

LOUDSPEAKER: Sergeant. Shut the hell up. You are grossing me out.

SERGEANT: Uh yea...Am I right marines?

MARINES: Hell no sir!

SERGEANT: What the hell do you know? Now get out of here before I crush your-

* * *

TECH1: Holy Spartans batman! Look at this!

TECH2: Okay? (pause) let's thaw him out.

TECH1: Oki doki Smokey, thawing out cave man from his lemon flavored frozen goo.

TECH2: Lemon? I thought it was lime...

TECH1: He's hot! Blowing the Pins in five!

TECH2: What the hell are pins?

CORTANA: Isn't it kind of foreboding the main character didn't show up in the first episode?


	2. Chap 2: Pillar of Autumn b

****

A/N: ah, this ones a little bit messy. Tried making things easier by adding which scene comes where. I wont do that again. I was also going to add a reference to Cromartie High and Halo: The Fall or Reach with the line: "If you want to find out read the book!" But it just didn't happen. And I'm lazy so you're not getting it now. Laughs on you, haha.

**Oh, did I mention I like anime? I do. I like Otaku's too so don't take the future comment as an insult. Seriously, just don't**

* * *

NARRATOR: Last time on HAE, for the slow ones. That's Halo Abridged Evolved.

(Scene with Master Chief popping out of his pod)

MC: Tech guy, I am your fathe-OH MY GOD THAT STINGS

(The above is a MC as Darth Vader joke. Two armored dudes who come out of pods at some point)

(screen flash with cryopad warning: "wearing clothing over skin may cause cellular damage: AKA Freezer burn."

NARRATOR: back to more cut scenes

* * *

(Scene of MC meeting the Captain at the bridge)

MC: Hey keyes, do you have any cream for rashes I could...bathe in?

KEYES: Good to see you, Master Chief. Things aren't going well. Cortana told me that half the crew are from weird countries that I can't pronounce. Like Wapan were wapanese people come from.

MC: I'm also Eridanius!

KEYES:...

CORTANA: Well before he mauls you or anything. Did you sleep well?

MC: Of course, I was blaring Red versus Blue in my helmet over you're awful voice on the intercom, so I didn't have any dreams about overly naggy women who point out the obvious this time.

CORTANA: I'm going to punch you.

(Explode)

KEYES: Americans Report!

CORTANA: We just got rammed by-

MC: BowChickaBowWow

CREWMAN 1: Main Cannon is Offline!

CORTANA: Oh like we weren't screwed enough as it is.

KEYES: Alright, it's time to initiate Cole Protocol Article 2. We're abandoning the Autumn.

CORTANA: We've been under attack since before we left Reach, and you're just now initiating protocol?

KEYES: Cortana gets to go with the un-American Chief.

CORTANA: Aw man! He's just going to be quoting RvB and make anime references.

KEYES: Shut up. If the Covenant get her, they'll get everything. Our every inner most secrets, every time we took a magazine to the bathroom, or stole a cookie! Oh and Earth.

MC: If it's that dangerous, shouldn't we just destroy her?

CORTANA: You wouldn't dare.

KEYES: She's right, if we lose her, we'll be completely useless when it comes to operating complicated machinery.

MC: Damn. It's not like I'm a super soldier with high tech machinery operating training. [note: he's not being sarcastic]

CORTANA: Yank me...

MC: Hey, I thought you were girl!

CORTANA: I'm reading you're hate mai-

* * *

(Keyes pulls Cortana's chip out of the holo display and hands it to the Chief.)

MC: Keyes? I second the hate.

KEYES: Good luck Master Chief. Since you're un-American you'll need it.

(Leaving PoA scene)

FRIGHTENED MARINE: I'm going to d-oh look a penny! It's mine.

MC: (picks marine up) Not any more!

CORTANA: Hurry up. I don't want to die here! I still have porn I haven't watched!

MC: Is that's all that matters to you?

PILOT: Got to go? Aye aye sir!

MC: But I didn't say anything.

PILOT: Yea you were taking too long.

(life pod Launches)

PILOT: We're disengaged. Going to minimum safe distance.

PANICKING MARINE: Minimum? Shouldn't we go to the Maximum safe distance? Come on! I don't want to die out here!

MC: (Pats him on the shoulder) Don't worry about that. You're going to die down there not here.

(Whimper)

CORTANA: Hey look at that! It's the extremely expensive bracelet. Back off bitches it's mine.

MC: Wait? Is it sparkly?

STRAPPED-IN MARINE: It looks more like a highly advanced Alien super weapon used to destroy all life in the universe to prevent another alien species from feeding on them.

MC: That was oddly specific.

CORTANA: Fool, can't tell the difference between alien technology and far more important jewelry.

PILOT: Well whatever it is we're landing on it.

[I forgot what this stands for]CFOF MARINE: The Autumn! She's been hit!

PILOT: Well duh. We're in space with more then a dozen covenant cruisers. I'm surprised she hasn't been shot to hell already.

MC: You're cynicism burns me.

PILOT: We're entering the ring's atmosphere in five...

CORTANA: Aren't you going to sit where it's safer?

MC: Hey if Genome from Tengen Toppa Gurren Lagann can do it so can I!

CORTANA: If I still had a hand...I'd punch you so hard.

* * *

**vrbtny: you're encouragement just got the second chapter up. Go you.**

**While writing Keyes' lines I totally wanted to throw in a "In America" line. But I didn't want to overdo it so I didn't. Oh well.**


	3. Chap 3: Halo and TaR a

NARRATOR: Quick synapses because we don't have the footage for in between cut scenes.

MC: Or in other words, Pretty Chief is a lazy bum

NARRATOR: Shut the hell up you

* * *

CORTANA: We're coming in too fast! You crazy bitch! You're trying to kill us aren't you?

PILOT: Just for that I'm not going to use the air-brake. Brace for impact!

MC: Way to go Cortana

* * *

CORTANA: I can't believe we survived that.

MC: I told you if Athrun Zala from Gundam Seed could do it then so can I.

CORTANA: you didn't even- you know what? Just activate the damn bridge.

* * *

MC: Hey look it's a metal gear!

FOEHAMMER: This is Pelican Echo 419. Anybody readin' me?

CORTANA: Roger, now get us the hell out of here.

FOEHAMMER: What about the other survivors?

CORTANA: There are other survivors?!

MC: Whoohoo! Off-screen saving!

* * *

NARRATOR: Forty billion different missions later and a quick pelican ride.

CORTANA: The enemy has capture Captain Keyes Chief. He's aboard the "Mysterious Infestation".

MC: Nothing mysterious about crabs.

CORTANA: Ulgh, the ship is over there. Just get Keyes out like a good ton of green armor.

MC: Oh look a sniper rifle! Wait...how am I supposed to get all the way up there!

CORTANA: Use that gravity lift.

MC: That's kind of convenient isn't it. You'd think they'd deactivate it or something when we popped up.

MARINE1: Whooo! (floating up)

MARINE2: I like gravity~! (also floating up)

MC: Heeey, why is everyone else going up and not me? My armor is smaller then Hunters and I'm still going slower then them.

CORTANA: It's because you're also a fat ass.

MC: That's not true! It's all muscle.

CORTANA: yea, whatever you say chief. May I suggest a diet?

* * *

MC: Wow, nothing like a quick walk through a Covenant ship full of enemies to burn a few pounds.

CORTANA: Not that you could actually kill a bunch of Covies on you're own.

MC: What's that supposed to mean!

CORTANA: Did you actually fight anything this entire time? I think you lost more weight peeing yourself behind cover while the marines did all the work.

MC: HEY!

CORTANA: When we met you were so bad ass. Whatever happened to that Chief? Fifteen years of marriage and now you're just a fat slob who sits on the couch all day while I work my virtual bytes off making you dinner and cleaning your house!

MC: What the hell are you talking about? We just met!

CORTANA: You see? You don't even remember our anniversary! Would it kill you to think about me once in awhile? Maybe send a present my way?

MC: Seriously, just a few days ago. It says it right in the book!

(Cut in of "Fall of Reach")

MARINE2: Reading! I thought you were cool!

CORTANA: Hey weren't we doing something?

KEYES: Yeah, I'm still in here.

MC and CORTANA: Oh shit Keyes!

**_a/n: heads up, I like brutes. Also ,sorry for the insanely long wait. My bad._**


End file.
